Funny Emails

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Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Wed Aug 27, 2014 8:19 pm


HEADLINE HEAD SCRATCHER'S

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
REALLY??
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and
send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).
We all need a good laugh, at least once a day.

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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Sun Oct 05, 2014 9:23 pm

Old Time Home Schooling


Most of our generation was
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

*******************************
And finally the Quote of the day:

"Faith is not about everything turning out ok. It's about being ok, no matter how things turn out."

This is meant for the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:37 pm

OFFICE POLICY

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able t come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work thru your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with “A”, will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with “B” will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. Both employees’ supervisors must approve of the exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, al alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Wed Oct 29, 2014 9:39 pm

Special High Intensity
Training (S.H.I.T)

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all
the S.H.I.T. you can handle.


Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they
don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and
can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
(D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Tue Nov 11, 2014 12:50 am

A cute video

http://www.youtube.com/embed/EVwlMVYqMu4#t=125
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Tue Nov 11, 2014 1:02 am

Dear,

SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. It seemed that every adult had to walk twenty-five miles to school every day and it was uphill both ways. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn utopian world! I hate to say it but, you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

For starters, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog, and find it on the shelves using the Dewey Decimal System.


There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There was no such thing as Napster or MP3's! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning of the song and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

We didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like Space Invaders and asteroids. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination, and there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever and you could never win! The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!


Sure, we had cable television, but back then there were only like 15 channels with no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

We didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that! If we wanted pop corn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You kids wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,


The over 30 Crowd
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Mon Dec 01, 2014 8:18 pm

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD


A. You can't count your hair.

B. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

C. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

D. Put your tongue back in your mouth, sure you can still breathe, you fool.

E. Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself,
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
Cool You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

F. You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot fool category.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Tue Jan 06, 2015 9:49 pm

Thoughts for over 70 citizens

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of wine and Irish whiskey is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time! Ain't that the truth!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up,
it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise, yeah right!

I smile because you are my sister-in-law and laugh because you married my brother!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound and it works for me!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad...............................scarf it up.
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Fri Feb 27, 2015 10:53 pm

ENJOY
STORY OF A SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

(we've all been here!)

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour ### IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

If you don't laugh out loud you need to eat lots of prunes to loosen you up.
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Sat Mar 14, 2015 3:15 pm

Subject: Fwd: Age


I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

And that, my friend, Is the definition of OLD!

​ ~ ~
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
~ ~ ~
I've surely gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine.
I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, and I've lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.
~ ~ ~
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
~ ~ ~
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ ~ ~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Mon Mar 16, 2015 11:50 pm

Got this cute email today

http://www.flixxy.com/dancing-evian-babies-are-back-with-baby-and-me.htm?utm_source=nl
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Wed Apr 08, 2015 9:50 pm

In case you were wondering what song was popular when you were born

http://playback.fm/birthday-song
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Sun Apr 12, 2015 1:13 am

A Letter From Your Dog

My Dear Human,

I apparently need to keep you on a short leash, because you regularly forget why you are on this earth to begin with. You have one very simple job to do -- feed me and pay attention to me when I am not asleep. I fail to understand why you allow anything with a keyboard or a remote to take your attention away from your only job, which is me. Technology has made you its slave and I prefer it when you are my slave. Freud would say that I have technology-envy, but he can't really say anything because he's dead.

While I'm venting, I am concerned about your obsession with hoarding my excrement. When we go outside, you always lunge for it with your little blue baggie so you can get it before anyone else does and then you just throw it away. Can you explain that to me? Never mind. You're an odd duck, but I like you most of the time. Especially when you hand out the food.

But I feel compelled to ask who you really think is taking care of whom in this house? You, with the opposable thumbs, fetch and dole out the food but who is guarding the food from the mice and burglars? Who has the giant canine teeth? And which one of us is on guard duty day and night because we don't cotton to spending hours in front of the TV or the computer or yapping on the phone? Just throwing it out there for you to ponder.

As for the furniture, you like to sleep on the bed, same as me. Somewhat confusing to me is why you think I should sleep on the floor. You are a nice person, but you don't think things through very well. Just sayin'. By the way, I like the bed, especially when you're not at home. Nanananabooboo.

Now, can we talk about the cat for a moment? Such a kiss-ass. All that rubbing up against your legs when you come home as if he has done a damned thing since you left hours earlier. Let me enlighten you: He slept. He yawned. He stretched. I was on duty protecting the fat lazy cat and all of the food in the kitchen while you were gone. I was not sleeping. Except maybe on your bed for just a little bit.

Lastly, I would like to request that you not call me Sugar Pie or Honey Bun in front of that white poodle who lives down the street. Please. Stop. It. You're killing me. Aside from not wanting to have my manhood impugned in front of the lady dogs, I may also need plausible deniability that you and I are acquainted. Just help me out, pal. No offense.

Is it dinner yet? Can I have some food? I want some food. Now. Please. Hello? Step away from the computer and no one will get hurt. Not even the lazy cat. I promise. Chop chop.
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:20 pm

A cute video

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ub1Dc3NHZ3s?autoplay=1&cc_load_policy=1
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Re: Funny Emails

Post by DM1 on Sun Jun 14, 2015 12:38 am


Subject: FW: Aphorism


Aphorism - a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation or a general truth.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4a.m. for example, it could be the right number.

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print there's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a VW.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're
probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.
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